I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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