Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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