The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
