Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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