I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sobbing to NWA
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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