everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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