I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
