I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
