So drunk its hurt
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
