Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
