chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
