im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
