Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
