i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
