He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
