I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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