chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish I only lived at night.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just gargled with NyQuil
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
