I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
