Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
