I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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