I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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