Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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