So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
