Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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