phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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