Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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