i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
