My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
