If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
