i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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