Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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