Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
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My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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