if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
