the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
