I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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