Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
