we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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