Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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