According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
