I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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