Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
