I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
