You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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