well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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