Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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