I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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