my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
