I wanna bring you to show and tell
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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