So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
