We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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