just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
