I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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