I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
