He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
it was like eating out sand paper
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
