I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
