Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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