I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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