Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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