oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I love you.
Bad choice
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
